Hello Dear Reader,
Every time I seem to post on this blog, I'm apologizing or at least acknowledging that I've woefully neglect it...and you! So now that we've managed to put that out there, I figured that I can jump right into this post.
The last post I made was about my Ethiopian wedding extravaganza, which was pretty awesome, by the way! Almost a year of marriage has passed by and my hubby and I will soon be celebrating the joining of our lives, families, and cultures. We are still figuring out how to meld, adjust, adapt, set aside, and highlight the big and small nuances of our various cultural perspectives, but I must say that's the fun (and at times frustrating part) of cross-cultural relationships/marriages...and I assume, any type of marriage.
Sometimes, I laugh, thinking that dating and marriage are kinda like Peace Corps service.
I feel you giving me the "side eye" so let me explain.
Think of dating as a pre-service training (PST). For those of you who don't know, PST is the three months of learning about your role as a soon-to-be Peace Corps Volunteer in a community similar to the one you'll serve for two years. During this time, you are given various exercises to help you familiarize yourself with your new community. You're encouraged to learn your host community's language, map out community resources, get to know key community stakeholders, learn about and participate in cultural ceremonies, try out different foods, learn how to function with people who may seem different than you (at first), and emotionally adjust to life outside of your comfort zone with as few freak-outs as possible.
The wedding. Once you have successfully completed your 3 months of PST without totally flipping out about all of the new changes you've experienced in a new community, you and your fellow Trainees will officially be sworn in as Peace Corps Volunteers. Your ceremony will consist of a nice venue (we had ours at a fancy lodge) with comfy beds, bathrooms with hot water showers (not the pit latrine you've grown to know and love), an all you can eat buffet (which you will tear through like a kid at Christmas...and generally make a fool of yourself with a towering high plate full of food you'll never manage to finish), speeches made by revered guests, and repeating of the sacred vows of Peace Corps service.
Marriage. Many young, sexy singles dream about their wedding- what it will be like, what you will wear, music you'll play, who is invited, and repeating of the vows. Similarly, the lowly Trainee may have been dreaming about being sworn in as a PCV for like...ever (just like I did)...or just before they mailed in their application. The wedding, however, isn't the marriage. Like in actual Peace Corps service, marriage (especially of the cross-cultural variety) is the opportunity to put all of those shiny new skills you learned during PST to good use. Let's review the one's I mentioned: 1) learning your host community's language. In a cross-cultural marriage, making a genuine effort to learn your spouse's language is critical. You may not be able to rattle off directions on how you like your steak cooked, but you can say the important things in a way that is meaningful to your mate. Ene ewedhalehu, yene fikir. 2) Map out community resources. This ongoing activity is one of the most important. It's all about getting to know your partner's strengthens, weaknesses, and opportunities, and figuring out what yours are too. What do the two of you respectively bring to the table and how will you, jointly, make your marriage a strong, supportive support system for each other? Like PST and service as well, learning about yourself and your partner is a never-ending process that will shift, grow and change over the course of time. Recognizing that, we as people, are not static by nature, will save you a lot of drama. The guy or gal you dated at 21 is not necessarily the same, exact person you married 5 years later. 3) Getting to know key community stakeholders. This one is all about getting to know and valuing the other people in your partner's life. Who are your partner's 'gatekeepers'? Who has and continues to influence him/her? How will these people have an impact on your partner and your relationship? How can you develop and strengthen your relationships with these valued individuals? 4) Learn and participate in cultural ceremonies. Learn about your partner's traditions. Respect them for how they have shaped your partner. Figure out, jointly, which ones you will uphold in your marriage just as they are. Furthermore, figure out what traditions you two will honor within your relationship. My mother always tells me of how, when my brother and I were born, that during the first few Christmases, we would visit relatives. Eventually, she and my father decided that Christmas would be a nuclear family activity, with our own traditions. My husband and I are still working out which traditions we want to hold on to (from both sides), which holidays we will and won't celebrate, and where they will be celebrated. For instance, Christmas in the US is celebrate on December 25th. It's the day I get together with my parents, and brother and sister-in-law, open a few presents, eat Christmas breakfast, and together, catch an afternoon movie at the cinema. In my husband's culture, however, Christmas isn't the big deal that it is in the US. Easter is their big holiday. Plus, Ethiopians celebrate Christmas in January. When I want to go to the US for Christmas, my husband is like...umm...I want to go to Ethiopia. Last year, we compromised: We both went to Ethiopia, and I traveled on to the US. Many people I met with in the US were a bit shocked that we celebrated our first Christmas apart. It didn't, however, matter to us. We celebrated in January when we both returned home. 5) Try out different foods. Yes, I've always known how important food is to one's cultural and personal identity. Heck, when I was adjusting to life in South Africa, I would get homesick every once in a while, not because I necessarily missed my family and friends, but because I missed the foods that I craved, that reminded me of home, that comforted me when I was sick or wanted to celebrate. Now that I've adjusted to not being able to go out to my local eatery to get my old reliable comfort foods, I've learned how to make them. I thought that I was homesick during those early days of life abroad. My husband and his Ethiopian self are another story. A day without injera is a day utterly wasted. Without the spicy taste of berbere seasoning every dish, just...what's the point of eating at all? Just as I had to learn, so many years ago, when living outside of the box, being open to new and different foods is important. By learning what your partner likes to eat, what brings him or her comfort, allows you to gain a new perspective and appreciation for the person you're sharing your life with. 6) Dating your partner is one thing. Sharing a life...forever...with another person is an entirely different story. Your spouse's language, customs, beliefs, foods, and everything else, might, at times seem so radical from what you know...at first. The more you live and love, those difference begin to shape who you are as well. Those differences soon become similarities. When my husband and I were dating, I'd quiz him about any and everything. I'd say the first thing that came to my mind. I did things that, to him, seemed so absurd. He used to (and still does) call me weregna...or 'talkative'...which is not always the best characteristic to have in his culture. For him, however, this made me more interesting. I wasn't afraid to say what was on my mind. I had an opinion. I stood up for myself. I was strong and empowered. All qualities he found very attractive (at times...lol). My husband, on the other hand, was (and still kinda is) reserved and conservative. He is measured in the way he speaks. He considers all of the components of a situation and then speaks. I found this both fascinating, attractive, and at times, annoying. Over two years later, I still am who I am when he found me. Same for him. The best thing, however, is that I'm a bit more thoughtful when I speak and act, and he starts to shake and shimmy when the song for the Wobble comes on the iPod playlist. 7) Emotionally adjust to life outside of your comfort zone with as few freak-outs as possible. Being married to someone from a different culture can be cause for more than one freak-out. We've definitely had our fair share during this first year. I've learned that the occasional freak-out is ok and expected in any marriage. The BEST part, however, is that, by figuring out steps 1-6, slowly, but surely, those freak-outs become less frequent. Similar to Peace Corps service, when you first get to your community, you're on a natural high! "YES! I'm a PCV! I'm super cool! I love everything about everything!" Then, you hit your first freak-out. Damn, what in hell was I thinking by signing up for this?! A year later, you learn to laugh at yourself and the reasons for all of those previous freak-outs. A year after that...you know the language. You can cook a mean doro wot and injera platter. You have those people in your community with whom you can draw strength and understanding. You used to hate doing that obligatory dance/hop/step move every time you enter your village chief's homestead. Now, you run a Saturday class at the local primary school teaching the 5 and unders how to do it with style. Best of all, you learn to manage your expectations, perspective, and frustrations...which is a true skill that few learn to master.
Hubby and I are still a work in progress! I'll make sure to follow up on this post in a bunch of years to let you know if my "Peace Corps is like marriage" analogy holds water. Until then, I'm going to work on refining my thoughts and putting them into practice...day by day.
I look forward to chatting with you again, my friends!
Until next time...
Every time I seem to post on this blog, I'm apologizing or at least acknowledging that I've woefully neglect it...and you! So now that we've managed to put that out there, I figured that I can jump right into this post.
The last post I made was about my Ethiopian wedding extravaganza, which was pretty awesome, by the way! Almost a year of marriage has passed by and my hubby and I will soon be celebrating the joining of our lives, families, and cultures. We are still figuring out how to meld, adjust, adapt, set aside, and highlight the big and small nuances of our various cultural perspectives, but I must say that's the fun (and at times frustrating part) of cross-cultural relationships/marriages...and I assume, any type of marriage.
Sometimes, I laugh, thinking that dating and marriage are kinda like Peace Corps service.
I feel you giving me the "side eye" so let me explain.
Think of dating as a pre-service training (PST). For those of you who don't know, PST is the three months of learning about your role as a soon-to-be Peace Corps Volunteer in a community similar to the one you'll serve for two years. During this time, you are given various exercises to help you familiarize yourself with your new community. You're encouraged to learn your host community's language, map out community resources, get to know key community stakeholders, learn about and participate in cultural ceremonies, try out different foods, learn how to function with people who may seem different than you (at first), and emotionally adjust to life outside of your comfort zone with as few freak-outs as possible.
The wedding. Once you have successfully completed your 3 months of PST without totally flipping out about all of the new changes you've experienced in a new community, you and your fellow Trainees will officially be sworn in as Peace Corps Volunteers. Your ceremony will consist of a nice venue (we had ours at a fancy lodge) with comfy beds, bathrooms with hot water showers (not the pit latrine you've grown to know and love), an all you can eat buffet (which you will tear through like a kid at Christmas...and generally make a fool of yourself with a towering high plate full of food you'll never manage to finish), speeches made by revered guests, and repeating of the sacred vows of Peace Corps service.
Marriage. Many young, sexy singles dream about their wedding- what it will be like, what you will wear, music you'll play, who is invited, and repeating of the vows. Similarly, the lowly Trainee may have been dreaming about being sworn in as a PCV for like...ever (just like I did)...or just before they mailed in their application. The wedding, however, isn't the marriage. Like in actual Peace Corps service, marriage (especially of the cross-cultural variety) is the opportunity to put all of those shiny new skills you learned during PST to good use. Let's review the one's I mentioned: 1) learning your host community's language. In a cross-cultural marriage, making a genuine effort to learn your spouse's language is critical. You may not be able to rattle off directions on how you like your steak cooked, but you can say the important things in a way that is meaningful to your mate. Ene ewedhalehu, yene fikir. 2) Map out community resources. This ongoing activity is one of the most important. It's all about getting to know your partner's strengthens, weaknesses, and opportunities, and figuring out what yours are too. What do the two of you respectively bring to the table and how will you, jointly, make your marriage a strong, supportive support system for each other? Like PST and service as well, learning about yourself and your partner is a never-ending process that will shift, grow and change over the course of time. Recognizing that, we as people, are not static by nature, will save you a lot of drama. The guy or gal you dated at 21 is not necessarily the same, exact person you married 5 years later. 3) Getting to know key community stakeholders. This one is all about getting to know and valuing the other people in your partner's life. Who are your partner's 'gatekeepers'? Who has and continues to influence him/her? How will these people have an impact on your partner and your relationship? How can you develop and strengthen your relationships with these valued individuals? 4) Learn and participate in cultural ceremonies. Learn about your partner's traditions. Respect them for how they have shaped your partner. Figure out, jointly, which ones you will uphold in your marriage just as they are. Furthermore, figure out what traditions you two will honor within your relationship. My mother always tells me of how, when my brother and I were born, that during the first few Christmases, we would visit relatives. Eventually, she and my father decided that Christmas would be a nuclear family activity, with our own traditions. My husband and I are still working out which traditions we want to hold on to (from both sides), which holidays we will and won't celebrate, and where they will be celebrated. For instance, Christmas in the US is celebrate on December 25th. It's the day I get together with my parents, and brother and sister-in-law, open a few presents, eat Christmas breakfast, and together, catch an afternoon movie at the cinema. In my husband's culture, however, Christmas isn't the big deal that it is in the US. Easter is their big holiday. Plus, Ethiopians celebrate Christmas in January. When I want to go to the US for Christmas, my husband is like...umm...I want to go to Ethiopia. Last year, we compromised: We both went to Ethiopia, and I traveled on to the US. Many people I met with in the US were a bit shocked that we celebrated our first Christmas apart. It didn't, however, matter to us. We celebrated in January when we both returned home. 5) Try out different foods. Yes, I've always known how important food is to one's cultural and personal identity. Heck, when I was adjusting to life in South Africa, I would get homesick every once in a while, not because I necessarily missed my family and friends, but because I missed the foods that I craved, that reminded me of home, that comforted me when I was sick or wanted to celebrate. Now that I've adjusted to not being able to go out to my local eatery to get my old reliable comfort foods, I've learned how to make them. I thought that I was homesick during those early days of life abroad. My husband and his Ethiopian self are another story. A day without injera is a day utterly wasted. Without the spicy taste of berbere seasoning every dish, just...what's the point of eating at all? Just as I had to learn, so many years ago, when living outside of the box, being open to new and different foods is important. By learning what your partner likes to eat, what brings him or her comfort, allows you to gain a new perspective and appreciation for the person you're sharing your life with. 6) Dating your partner is one thing. Sharing a life...forever...with another person is an entirely different story. Your spouse's language, customs, beliefs, foods, and everything else, might, at times seem so radical from what you know...at first. The more you live and love, those difference begin to shape who you are as well. Those differences soon become similarities. When my husband and I were dating, I'd quiz him about any and everything. I'd say the first thing that came to my mind. I did things that, to him, seemed so absurd. He used to (and still does) call me weregna...or 'talkative'...which is not always the best characteristic to have in his culture. For him, however, this made me more interesting. I wasn't afraid to say what was on my mind. I had an opinion. I stood up for myself. I was strong and empowered. All qualities he found very attractive (at times...lol). My husband, on the other hand, was (and still kinda is) reserved and conservative. He is measured in the way he speaks. He considers all of the components of a situation and then speaks. I found this both fascinating, attractive, and at times, annoying. Over two years later, I still am who I am when he found me. Same for him. The best thing, however, is that I'm a bit more thoughtful when I speak and act, and he starts to shake and shimmy when the song for the Wobble comes on the iPod playlist. 7) Emotionally adjust to life outside of your comfort zone with as few freak-outs as possible. Being married to someone from a different culture can be cause for more than one freak-out. We've definitely had our fair share during this first year. I've learned that the occasional freak-out is ok and expected in any marriage. The BEST part, however, is that, by figuring out steps 1-6, slowly, but surely, those freak-outs become less frequent. Similar to Peace Corps service, when you first get to your community, you're on a natural high! "YES! I'm a PCV! I'm super cool! I love everything about everything!" Then, you hit your first freak-out. Damn, what in hell was I thinking by signing up for this?! A year later, you learn to laugh at yourself and the reasons for all of those previous freak-outs. A year after that...you know the language. You can cook a mean doro wot and injera platter. You have those people in your community with whom you can draw strength and understanding. You used to hate doing that obligatory dance/hop/step move every time you enter your village chief's homestead. Now, you run a Saturday class at the local primary school teaching the 5 and unders how to do it with style. Best of all, you learn to manage your expectations, perspective, and frustrations...which is a true skill that few learn to master.
Hubby and I are still a work in progress! I'll make sure to follow up on this post in a bunch of years to let you know if my "Peace Corps is like marriage" analogy holds water. Until then, I'm going to work on refining my thoughts and putting them into practice...day by day.
I look forward to chatting with you again, my friends!
Until next time...
